I know it sounds ridiculous, but whenever I say something is a certain way, it changes.
Maybe that's my negativity talking. But it happened. The beginning of last week TANKED.
I had another doctor appointment. I told him about the past month, the hell weeks and the higher weeks. He put me on a fifth medication. Another anti-psychotic. Woo, psycho meds. It's like the one that put me out for 14 hours a day, but on a super low dose. So, hopefully, I don't have the crazy increased appetite and sleep problem that I did last time....
Anyway, like I said--after my good weeks, I tanked. At first, I wiped the tears away real fast and told myself I was okay--like I usually do. But it's never that simple.
I don't know why it comes and why it goes when it does. I thought that maybe it's because I have terrible coping skills. I thought, maybe when problems disappear, I'm fine, but then, when my teachers and grades and bank account and friends and whatever else flares up, I crumble. I'm not consistent or perceptive enough to realize if that's even a pattern, but maybe my coping skills are the problem? But if it is, what weakened them? Why so suddenly?
And I keep looking for reasons, for fixes, for possible causes, but it is what it is. I've come to find that my reality is unpredictable. Even when I know what's coming, even when I brace myself, even when I make a plan--I get slammed. It's like, even if you know the punch is coming, it still hurts when it hits you in the gut. And in life, there is no shortage of suck. Of punches and slamming doors. But you gotta love that opposition principle, right?
Well, I did what I do best in times of intense trouble and I took a road trip. While it wasn't perfect, it was pretty dang good. I cram packed my days full of stuff to do so that I didn't have to face my life. I mean, it didn't work all the time, but I had some pretty decent moments.
Unfortunately, I get way too exhausted doing that all the time. But it was nice to be up high for a weekend. Usually the comedown is hard, but I've gone the last 30 hours without one. So we'll see how it goes (I said nothing definitive about my good mood, so it can't be jinxed :P)
