Cycles.

Bipolar is a very cyclical disorder. And if that really is what I have (who knows anymore, I feel like a lost cause) it's so interesting to see, especially in retrospect, the cycles in my life. With my mood, my money, my pant sizes.

Now this is a pretty sensitive topic, because I've done some pretty stupid things, and I continue to do stupid things almost on the daily because of it.

So if you've been reading my posts, you pretty much know about my mood cycles. I mean, I usually write about the bad because that's when it all hits me and I have to slow my boat, but I mean, I'd be lying if I said there hadn't been any good moments. On the whole, though, the past many months have definitely been low. Very, very low. Throughout my life, I've seen some definite periods of high and low, but I don't know if that's just how life goes or if that was this...disorder. I am having a hard time differentiating the two, it's still all pretty crazy to me.

But lets talk about money.
So about a year ago, I was good, right? And then I spent all my money on tuition and was broke again. And then I was broke for the summer and then moved to Provo and had a job that paid super well, right? and I was pretty much a star employee, what with never calling in sick, always doing what I was supposed to do, etc. But then I just started slipping into bad habits. I stopped working effectively and did the bare minimum. I took longer breaks and lunches than I should have. And then I started leaving early sometimes and not even coming in other times. That was around the time that I was having a hard time even getting out of bed in the morning (or afternoon, because I didn't work til 1:30 and let's be honest, I didn't get out of bed til 1:10.) I remembered that when I sunk into a depression at 15 years old, one of the things that got me out of it was shopping for new clothes. It was some real retail therapy. So I thought, why not do that again?

So I took all the money that I had saved up in my account, and spent nearly all of it. About $2000 of it was on the Russia trip, so that was fine, but then a couple more hundred was on some really useless stuff that I really didn't need. A 3DS, for example. When have I ever in my life been a gamer? Never. But for some reason I just needed that.

Let me just say, I am the kind of person who doesn't spend more than $10 on an article of clothing. Mostly I even think $10 is too much. I am ridiculously frugal. I get it from my mother. But in this instance, I just didn't care. I just spent a lot of money.

A few weeks later I spent a few hundred on a road trip. And then, I spent $100 on a perm. ON A PERM. you know how much I spend on my hair? About $1.50 a month on the cheapest shampoo and conditioner I can find. And then like $20 twice a year for a haircut. But I shelled out $100 on a perm because why the heck not.

And then my recklessness at work finally got me let go and I had...not a lot. So for the next few months I did nothing. I only ever spent money on gas and medical bills. I started donating plasma so that I could make some extra money. I started applying at other jobs, knowing that I couldn't handle having a job but also knowing I wasn't going to make it without having another source of income.

Well, another job never did come. I had a heck of a time trying to sell my contract, and moving up to Rexburg was a trip. I had to borrow a lot of money from my dad knowing that my tax returns were going to come back soon so I could at least pay him back and then after that, nothing besides plasma money was gonna help me out.

Then, one of my friends from home who lives up in Rexburg invited me to what she called a "beauty night." I knew that she did Mary Kay, and I knew how those beauty nights worked--they wanted to sell to you or to recruit you--and I was not even thinking about it. But then I ended up being recruited. I thought--if I look better on the outside, I'll feel better on the inside, and if I join, I'll have to look presentable because I'll need to represent the product I sell. And then I'll sell and make so much money. So I used my plasma money for the $115 start-up fee, and then the director talked to me about having inventory on hand and how I could get a loan or open up a credit card to make that happen. I don't know what happened, but I felt excitement and that I wanted to do that, and they made me feel like I could, so I opened a credit card, got approved for a $3000 credit limit, and spent nearly all of it on ordering inventory.

I then realized what I did and called my dad and my mom crying about how I couldn't afford that. My mom ended up getting me out of it by having me just send the packages back, but for a second there, I was $2700 in debt. I felt really bad about sending the stuff back at first, because I hate backing out of a commitment, but I am so up and down all the time that I am glad I don't have to worry about that debt because it would make my low points so much lower. And I can't take that right now.

But hey, all that money on accessories and my hair and make-up and guess what? I'm still ugly, and I still feel awful, because I cant get out of bed to even make myself presentable before I have to rush to class in the mornings.

And then in addition to my moods and bank account fluctuating, so does my weight. It's a particular kind of sadness when you don't even want to look in the mirror anymore because you're afraid of your own reflection and what it will do to you. A year ago, I was about 50 pounds lighter. 6 months before that, I was about the same as where I am today. I went through a period of hitting the gym 5 times a week, viewing food as only a means to fuel my body, and caring about my appearance, to barely moving, using food as a means of comfort, and not ever wanting to leave my house because of the lack of things I have to wear that will fit me. I didn't just stop exercising and then get depressed. I started getting depressed and then became unable to do anything but stay alive. People always think it's the other way around. Trust me, it's not.

It's been, well, terrible. Can't sugarcoat it. Those highs are great but those lows are so hard. And the hardest part is I know that when they pass, they are just going to come back again and punch me in the stomach when I am least expecting it.