They say that suicide is selfish...

...and I understand why.

It is selfish because one person thinks they have the right to play God and take their own life.
It is selfish because it makes other people suffer.
It is selfish because that person who is taking their life is focusing on themselves and their own pain rather than the problems or feelings of others.
It is selfish because they are leaving behind their mess for other people to clean up.
It is selfish because it hurts the survivors.

Yes, they say that suicide is selfish...

...but I don't think they should.

Because first of all, a person in that position is already dealing with enough. What is calling them selfish going to accomplish? I think it would only make them want to die more.
Because a person wanting to take that step is hurting so much.
They hate living, they quite possibly hate themselves.
Every thing that goes wrong in their life is another wave in a pool they're already drowning in.

It's true that everyone experiences hard times. There is no shortage of disappointments and struggles and tears and pain. But if we're going off the comparison of keeping your head above water, there are those who are swimming, who are getting stronger, who are able to kick and fight and, yes, they're exhausted, but they do it. They make it. But then there are people with broken arms, with legs that are paralyzed, with lungs that are filling up with water, who, with each passing second, wonder how much longer they can fight the waves until they drown. Sometimes they just can't take it anymore. Sometimes they give up trying and stop trying to prolong the inevitable. Sometimes they let go.

Lately my thoughts have travelling to darker places. Like, really dark. And,

dare I write this?

I want to kill myself.

I'm not going to, and here's why, but the desire grows stronger as the time passes without improvement. And I think of all the people who have been there for me, helping me, caring about me. And I hold on for them, because I know it's not fair to them.

It's not fair to my family to talk about how much I want to die, because I know how hard it hit them when my brother died. I know it hurts them to even imagine that happening again.
It's not fair to my friends, who try every day to help me, to say that the only thing that sounds good is death.
It's just not fair to them.

But this is where I am at.
I am at that place where the people I talk to about it have heard everything I have to say.
I'm at that place where nothing I say holds any weight anymore, because even though it does feel like it's getting darker, I don't have any more words to describe. It comes out in the same phrasing as it did the first time, even though its stronger now than it was then.
I am at that place where the words have become empty, but the pain has not.
And I can't think of many things that are more helpless than not being able to express that darkness.

But honestly, and maybe my rationality is altered here, but when I think about putting a stop to my mortal existence, I feel that I am not thinking solely about myself. I feel like there is definitely some selfishness in there, but it's mostly that I don't want to drag others down to the place that I'm at.
I hate having to let others help clean up my mess because I just cant do it alone. Believe me, I've tried.
And hate being a burden.

I'm sick of people asking how I am, because I'm not going to lie and tell them that I'm doing well. Because I haven't had a good day in a really long time.
I'm sick of my friends having to hear about my struggle all the time, and that I can't just be positive for them, put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine.
I hate having to call my dad and have him sit there on the phone with me, oftentimes in silence, because I can't voice the hurt.  I just need him there, on the line, just to feel his support. I know he's busy, he has things to do, but I just need him too much.
I hate being unable to hold a job and therefore broke and therefore needing to borrow money to get professional help.
I hate having already paid so much money on co-pays and tests and medications without any positive results.
I hate having to text people in the middle of the night because there are demons in me that I can't fight by myself, and I need someone to help me not succumb to them.
I'm tired of not even having an excuse, of there not being an actual problem to solve, of people who I can tell want to help but not being able to. It's frustrating for them, I know.
I hate being that burden.
And slice it however you want to and tell me that I'm not one, but I still feel like one.

I think of how dying would mean my parents would have to pay for a casket and burial plot, so I imagine how I can maybe burn instead? Or get a job that gives me life insurance before I do the dying so that they wouldn't have to pay out of pocket?

I think of how many mountains there are between Idaho and Colorado and how driving off of any one of them could cause the perfect tragedy. But then I think of those who have attempted and failed. And if there is anything that sounds worse to me than dying in that situation, it's living through that situation.

Like I said, my mind has been travelling to some dark places. Places that I'm not going to follow it, but places that I can't vocally speak of.

And that's why I can't call suicide selfish. I can't look at my friend from high school, who told me that if I ever killed myself, she'd bring me back to life and kill me again twice only to bring me back and slap me, who then took her own life, and say that she was acting selfishly when she shot herself. I can't look at people who are in so much pain and agony, who feel like they are burdens, who have grown weary of picking themselves back up again, and say that they are only thinking about themselves when they decide to try and take their life. Because in all reality, they are probably thinking what they're doing is the best, and sometimes the only, option for everyone involved. That may be warped thinking, but if you've experienced first or second-hand mental illness, you know that warped thinking is a part of the package.

I'm not advocating suicide. I'm not even justifying it. I'm just saying that I understand the desire.

Because if I didn't believe and know the things that I do, I would be right there with those who attempt, and hopefully those who succeed. And I can't imagine how people make it through this life without the knowledge and hope and faith that I have.