I want so bad to be good

I went to training a few weeks ago. It was a training for the program I'm going with to teach English internationally.

Everything they talked about made me so excited. And I am just so excited to go, and I want to be able to teach them so well and I want to be just amazing. I just want so badly to be good.

I feel like this is a theme in my life. In classes, I feel like no matter how thorough I am, or how much I try to do everything right, there is always something critical I miss and it's my tragic flaw.

I remember on my mission, I wanted so, so badly to just be the best. I wanted to be the missionary that people back home thought that I'd be. But I can't help but look back and think how much I blew that.

I always go into things thinking and believing that I'll be awesome, but then I get there and forget. Or I get scared. And I shrink. I don't live up to who I know I am. I fall short.

Or maybe I do live up to who I am, but I am using the wrong meter stick to measure me. Because I tend to give too much thought to what other think of me.

So I realized when I was getting excited that maybe...maybe this time wont be any different. And I'm still not sure of my footing in these situations and what I'm able to control.

but I hope that I don't shrink this time. because man, I want so bad to be good.