The Happiest Place on Earth

is not always Disneyland.

My friend, a kid who has the absolute biggest heart of anyone I know, told me a few months ago that he wanted to take me to Disneyland. He said he thought it was something I needed because of my condition. He was really excited about it.

I warned him of my excessive sleepiness, my increased irritability, my lack of desire to get up in the morning and do anything, ever. He also knows that I don't share his intense love of Disney (I know, who am I). But he told me he could handle it.

Well, guess what. He couldn't. And I would never have expected him to, which is why I tried to discourage the trip in the first place.

I'm thankful for his consideration and his effort and his love. Don't get me wrong. And I enjoyed many aspects of that trip. But it wasn't the best thing for me.

What people who want to help need to realize, is that: if you take a depressed person and put them in what is said to be the happiest place on earth, it will not make them happy. Their depression isn't contingent upon their surroundings.

In fact, the heat, the over-stimulation, the stress of having to figure out meals and transportation in a city I've never been to, actually made my condition worse. I had gone a while without having a severe breakdown--but that is where the episodes came back. Outside that sketchy Anaheim motel.

This is what I was talking about in my post "Deserving of Love." People want to fix it. They want their love to mend and heal all the broken little pieces inside of you. But not even the magic of Disneyland can do that. And then it makes you feel like a super ungrateful person because you can't just be happy for what they're doing for you.

It's like if you were really stressed out in life and you were always at work and didn't have any time in your schedule and were also short on money and then someone, lovingly, says "hey I'll get you a puppy and that will help you be happier." You tell them not to get you a puppy, but they insist, and then you have this whole new stressor in your life. Not only do you not have time to take care of it, but you don't have money to feed it and get it the things it needs. Then when you're still not happy, that friend says "You know how much money I spent on that puppy for you? You're so ungrateful." When you literally told them not to give it to you in the first place.

It really is the thought that counts. And people show their love in so many different ways. It's just important that they know which ways will help and which ways will hurt. All love is good, but sometimes you just need to learn and then speak the love language of the person receiving.

It was a rough few days, but the fireworks--they were amazing. And I could see, briefly, why one might call it the happiest place on earth.